There’s not been much to blog about, but I just want to say that I feel unbelievably meh about my life. Call it end-of-term syndrome, tiredness syndrome, NQT syndrome, Stockholm syndrome, whatever – but I just feel meh.
There’s lots of work to do, there’s lots of lessons to plan. Ambition to do so is flat as a pancake (which I will miss tomorrow!), and may even be superseded by a desire to tidy (yes, the flat needs it that badly).
I want to do something big and exciting. Teaching is great but I want to test myself, I’m fed up of being the big fish in the small pond. Beating kids at FIFA is great but not really productive to over-arching life aims.
I’ve been exhausted too – 6 day week of early starts last week and I gave it a really good effort – and my observation feedback was a bit shit – I knew that and I knew why but it made the bubble I’ve been in burst a little. I’m doing good and I know that lots. But I have to cut corners, and I can’t see that ever changing and I just don’t feel inspired in me enough.
There are things I need to get on doing, and I need to find a chance to do them properly – like my songwriting – like recording – like actually getting a chance to aim out the bubble of school life – like actually getting Eurovision stuff in this loving city organised where I seem to be put off at every circle.
I feel fed up with things not being as good as it should be. My Swedish class should be better organised and a welcoming place to learn from the organization. I am really worried about finding somewhere to live next year. I worry that I should leave a lovely girl in the UK to fend for herself in a big city even though I know she’s fine, and I worry that my adventure living in Utopian Sweden is being drowned and I need to prioritize.
So I am going to do this, and hope it gets better. Marking will have to wait a little. Amazing lessons, will have to wait a little. Impressing those at the schlagerbar that I’m this unbelievably talented singer, will have to wait. Big fish, small pond, is not me, here, and it will bug me forever if I waste this without that 8th place finish in a MF semi final…