Just a quick one tonight. I wrote something on this theme a while ago, and scrapped it, I thought I was being far too self-appreciating for my own good. However, last week, I could not hit the notes in the warm up to choir. I felt so humiliated. You may laugh in jest at that being perfectly normal – but this was close to, if not quite, on the Jemini scale.
I want to write something I think about all the great variety of skills I have (or, honestly had) – that I don’t anymore. I could sing. I could write good articles. I could organize tournaments. I could be good at my subject. I could run the best ever elections. I could be a leader in the local community.
I do all these things in my job now, but I feel it stagnates. I’m a jack of all trades and a master of none. There are better teachers than me here. There are better singers. There are better scientists.
I don’t have the problem in people being better than me – I think what worries me is that I can’t excel. If I can’t find that niche where I am most successful then life, career wise and socially, is going to be in a happy lagom-ness which might be great when there are two great kids (and a rabbit) scudding around my feet, but not now.
I have a hero complex. I have a streak of individualism that means working together is hard – I love it but it only works when we all have our own separate jobs to do and we support – rather than to create conflict to find an answer. Weird for a student politician yes, but I was always a planned and constitutionally right one, not an erratic and mad one.
I just want to be the best at something. I want to be unique and stand out in my own little way – not by my character but by my results. Greedy – yes. Selfish – quite probably. Healthy and ambitious – I hope we can’t argue with.
I think perhaps I need to consider what teaching is a little bit more. I have still been living a life in a bubble – like the skills I’ve been acquiring are for the next step, like there was a life after university. There isn’t. This is the real real world – and I need to do …………something in it.
I just feel like I’m forever an enthusiastic amateur in all the things that make my job so great.