The Enthusiastic Amateur

Dearest blog,

Just a quick one tonight.  I wrote something on this theme a while ago, and scrapped it, I thought I was being far too self-appreciating for my own good.  However, last week, I could not hit the notes in the warm up to choir.  I felt so humiliated.  You may laugh in jest at that being perfectly normal – but this was close to, if not quite, on the Jemini scale.

I want to write something I think about all the great variety of skills I have (or, honestly had) – that I don’t anymore.  I could sing.  I could write good articles.  I could organize tournaments.  I could be good at my subject.  I could run the best ever elections.  I could be a leader in the local community.

I do all these things in my job now, but I feel it stagnates.  I’m a jack of all trades and a master of none.  There are better teachers than me here.  There are better singers.  There are better scientists.

I don’t have the problem in people being better than me – I think what worries me is that I can’t excel.  If I can’t find that niche where I am most successful then life, career wise and socially, is going to be in a happy lagom-ness which might be great when there are two great kids (and a rabbit) scudding around my feet, but not now.

I have a hero complex.  I have a streak of individualism that means working together is hard – I love it but it only works when we all have our own separate jobs to do and we support – rather than to create conflict to find an answer.  Weird for a student politician yes, but I was always a planned and constitutionally right one, not an erratic and mad one.

I just want to be the best at something.  I want to be unique and stand out in my own little way – not by my character but by my results.  Greedy – yes.  Selfish – quite probably.  Healthy and ambitious – I hope we can’t argue with.

I think perhaps I need to consider what teaching is a little bit more.  I have still been living a life in a bubble – like the skills I’ve been acquiring are for the next step, like there was a life after university.  There isn’t.  This is the real real world – and I need to do …………something in it.

I just feel like I’m forever an enthusiastic amateur in all the things that make my job so great.

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