It is one week until my life gets changed upside down. I will have another person to share my flat, to share my space, share my food, share my money and share my bed. Or should that be our money and our bed and so on… In one sense, what is all mine is really all now shared.
It’s going to be a very big step and a very big change. I feel an enormous sense of responsibility, I feel the pressure to make things work is fully on my side and, although I fully expect it to be amazing and magical – I expect now that I will always be the one feeling guilty.
I do often now anyway, in this long distance perfectly satisfactory yet limbo-like state of the last few years. Our relationship as lovers is one that lasts for days, and as best friends we utilize a plethora of social networking methods to keep in touch. I really realized this much this week, for the first time in ages I felt ill. Ill enough that I was barely able to go home without having the thought of needing to jump out the bus for fresh air plaguing me at every instant. I just had to get in touch with her, share this, and have a good old grump until I slumbered off and actually woke up reasonably peacefully. What a luxury this is in our modern world, and what a luxury it will be to mope in person. I only wish at the moment that I am going to able and considerate enough to do the same.
Knowing her as well as I do, this is a silly fear, but one still with rationality. Sweden is tough to move to. It is still dark, it can be very lonely, and the whole world seems locked away behind doors that may be welcoming, but choose to look the other way more often than not. Especially as she’ll be working at home, and I’ll be working lots.
We have plans and strategies in place, one time a week we should do some form of exercise together, a long walk, a swim, a dance etc. One time a week we need to have a good old mysig night in. One time a week we will go and explore somewhere new on our SL cards. And so the list goes on, idealistic and aspirational, but that is what it needs to be. I do not want toRemember we are both physicists (of a sort anyway), so some mathematically rationality and shoving is needed here. And I need that too, I need to make sure I have a confidence to fit a work/life balance that actually does succeed for us both. The balance of time apart and together isn’t easy. I just realize, having had my traditional Friday night swim, that this is quite likely the last time for a fair while I will be doing that. I’m settled and about to knocked right out of balance.
It also changes the nature of the relationship. We are, I hope fair to say, at an interesting crossroads. We want to really give this whole sambo stuff a go; we want a fair crack of the whip, and now at that. It is the first time when opportunities make it sensible to give it a go, with her flexible work and my secure place to live. To be honest, if all goes well the relationship could progress reasonably quickly, at least in Swedish terms. But similarly, that possibility does not mutally exclude others. Moving in adds another hurdle of difficulty, but we are the same team with the same ideals as before.
Overall it is excitement, huge huge excitement. I can’t wait for next week. I can’t wait for the fun and frolics of it all. And sure, I want a great last weekend of so called ‘freedom,’ but I also want to be free to enjoy all the fun of the next one.